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My Blog

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Good afternoon.  I am a little late on the blog this morning.  Lots of running to do and a gliche in email that got resolved, but took a little time.  A much cooler day here in the Chicago land area.  Loads of things on my mind today.  A little bit of thought and a lots of contemplating. 
Today's blog is about that question that I think most of us ask ourselves all the time.
Will I ever be good enough?  Good enough in what you might ask.  Well, for me it is many things and the question is one that I have asked myself many times. 
Yesterday, I had lunch with some old friends.  At one point in the afternoon, our husbands went to the little boys room and we waited in the car in a cemetery.  I was taking them on the tour of some of the things that I had uncovered about Dunning and they were interested in walking the areas and seeing what I had told them about.  As my friend and I waited, she expressed how much she has seen me push to get what I want.  She told me how she admired my determination and love for things.  I must say, I was a bit surprised!  I just really didn't give a whole lot of thought to things that I do other than I am just so darned curious...that I try to find the answers.  She continued to say that she remembered years ago, how we sat at my dining room table and talked about how much I wanted to learn to paint.  I already knew how to paint, but I wanted to learn more and get better...and then she followed that with..:And look at you now!"  You wanted something and you went out, took classes and learned and now you teach."  I never gave that a second thought. I chewed on what she said yesterday and decided that some of us always seem to question whether I will be good enough.  I looked over the years and realized I must have asked that question to myself over and over again.  I can remember going for auditions and wondering those questions and always walked away with the leading role and STILL asked the same question.  Each performance, I wondered whether it was good enough. 
When I went to school...I questioned the same things.  I made phi beta kappa and still wondered whether I was good enough.  When I was pregnant...I wondered whether I would be a good enough mother.  Whether I would be able to handle it.  Would I have the right answers to get through motherhood.  I guess I will never really know the answers to that.  All I know is that I truly did my best. 
My friend was right.  I wanted to paint well.  So much so that I finally jumped in and took all the classes that I could.  I am so much better and yet I still am eager to learn more.  It is the same with storytelling and the stories I research.  I am on a constant quest to find more and more and the odd thing about that is that it is not only for me. I feel an obligation to uncover and reveal.  As I work on this story about the Dunning area...I feel the pain and sorry and losses of those 38,000 people who have been forgotten.  I try to imagine what it must have been like.  To them, their families and anyone else connected.  It is my opinion that today, if some of what I remember isn't preserved, then it will all just be forgotten and gone.  These are treasures that are hidden and will soon be so far removed from anyone's memories if they are not captured now. 
How many times have you questioned yourself?  What will it take to make you believe that you are good enough?  And if you reach that point...do you not continue to strive ahead? 
I will continue to keep asking those questions and rely on people like my friend to remind me of the answers that I often forget.  I AM Good enough as long as I don't give up!  If I look back in time, I remember mistakes that others might have done, and I am able to review it with an open mind.  I see that sometimes....we just do the best we can do with what we have or are given and move on....but ooh. the things I remember so well and dwell on are all the wonderful, caring and endearing moments.  Those are what we remember as others accomplishments.  It is as though the bad or not great things are washed away like the dirt on our bodies at the end of the day, and the sparkling clean remains shining as a reflection in the mirror before us.  So, today, take a good look at yourself.  Reflect on the good things you have been able to do.  Go out and learn the things you want. At least try...give it a whirl.  Better to have tried than to let it linger in your wish list.  One day, it will be too late and then all you may have is regrets. You are good enough.  Count how many people love and care about you and count them not only as blessings but count them as enough!

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