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My Blog

A Birthday Not Forgotten

Good morning to everyone.  Another gorgeous day here in Niles, Illinois.  A busy day ahead for me.  Tonight I have my red hat group coming over and we are doing an Unusual card Night.  What do I mean by Unusual?  Well, we will be turning a deck of cards into pieces of art.  With words to inspire us, we will use an enlarged deck of cards that I was able to pick up and by using paints, stamps, stencils, bubble wraps, laces, trims and odds and ends, will create some works of art.  This is a form of a mixed media art that I am hoping to share with the girls and get them to let their creative juices to flow.  No matter what happens...there will be plenty of laughter and fun. 
Today's blog is about my inner most feelings.  Today, I sit and remember what happened 37 years ago.  Today is my daughters 37th birthday and I am not able to wish her Happy Birthday except in my mind and heart. 
My daughter left us 18 years ago.  She has decided that she has a life to live.  She has since married and had children and is living her own life.  Unfortunately, she has chosen to do that estranged from us.  For a long time, I thought that we were the only people in the world who had such a  horrendous thing happen.  I have since found out that it is not all that uncommon.  Painful as it may be...and she may never know....I think about her and her children daily.  On days like today, I mourn the loss.  I ponder all the wonderful times that we shared together.  I think about her sweet little face when she was young.  The twinkle that was in her bright blue eyes.  I remember every curl of hair that I combed, brushed and French braided when she was young. As I look back on her birthdays, I recall the special parties and  the special cakes that I used to make for her.  I remember the thrill it used to give me to be able to give her things she hoped for.  I remember the overnighters with friends, becoming her girl scout leader, and school mom.  As she grew, I remember sewing for her.  From Cabbage Patch doll clothes to her everyday clothes to her prom dresses.  All done with love.  I don't know whether she ever looks back on those times and realizes how much love there was for her. 
Why would I question that?  Well, there was a time when her life seemed to turn upside down.  Depression seemed to slowly creep into her life.  I saw her unhappy, angry and lonely. 
During those times, I tried to make myself available 24/7.  I remember phone calls from her where she didn't want to live anymore.  I remember rushing to her side, encouraging her. talking the evening away.  I don't quite know what happened to her.  One day, it just seemed that everything in her mind seemed to take a twist and a turn.   It is heartbreaking for a parent to watch.  She had all types of problems with her periods and I spent countless hours in doctors offices.  We even got her to see a psyshciatrist. The psychiatrist wanted to put her on lithium which I strongly objected to.  Then there was suggestions to have her put on Paxil.  that was at a time when it first came out and it was so very controversial.  I opted against that as well.  I researched and found natural medicine that might help....unfortunately, she chose not to take them.The doctors diagnosed her with bi-polar back then....at a time when we had no clue what that exactly was. 
Well, eventually, she decided that we were not the people she wanted to spend any time with and left us.  There are a lot of variables in this story that I chose not to disclose at this time except for a mother's broken heart.  On this day, this beautiful little girl was born.  she was an induced birth.  I remember how quickly it all happened...and as I laid on the table, I remember the thrill of the doctors saying it was a girl, and then the excitement in the room changing quickly.  When I looked up to see her....her body was a bluish color.  The immediately took her to a side table to administer some oxygen.  Her color changed to a normal flesh tone and we heard her cry.  In those moments, I feared the worse.  I feared that we had lost her before we even got to know her.  But God answered those immediate prayers and gave us our daughter.  We only got to enjoy her for a short while before she chose to leave us.  Once again, she had turned blue, but in a different manner.  I am grateful for the 18 years that god allowed us to hold her in our arms and the last 19 to hold her in our hearts.  I will never let go of her.  I will always hold on to those special times that we spent together.  I mourn over the loss of years and the sadness over not being their as she walked into adulthood and I mourn over not being there to see those precious special moments in her life since.  Marriage, motherhood....all things I thought that I would share with her...but alas, only in my minds eye and in my heart.  So, even though she is not here with us, I wish her love, peace and a Happy Birthday.

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